Just the other day my mother was folding the clothes after laundry and my nephews kept punching the pile, undoing all my mother’s hardwork. I was sitting in the other room reading but could overhear her trying to correct their behavior by reminding them of the rules, trying to entice them to do something else. However nothing seemed to be working.
After a few minutes of this chaos, I stepped in and told my nephews, “I see you want to help your dadi, but unfortunately you don’t know how to fold clothes. Let’s learn how to do it.” I showed them a pile of washed socks that were kept close by & demonstrated how to match socks. It was magical how both the boys got engrossed in sorting the socks for half an hour. My mother had been trying to fight against their impulse, and it wasn’t working. All we needed to do was to redirect their energy with purpose. Instead of telling them “No,” we needed to give them an outlet, a way to be successful.
Their impulse wasn’t wrong. They wanted to help. They just needed help finding a purposeful and appropriate way to fulfill that desire, and that is what was needed to be identified.
So when you see kids breaking the rules (which are set by you), try to look for the impulse behind it and help them find a way to channelize it.
Is your toddler carrying around the toy basket and throwing things over? Perhaps he/she is looking for some heavy lifting. Try taking him/her out to the park and let them move some stones to create a new flower bed border or transfer mud to a pot or just try asking the child to arrange the cushions properly.
Are they throwing sand out of the sandbox? Show them a purposeful way to use the sand. Demonstrate how to build a sand castle or show them how to sift the sand to get rid of any rocks that have found a way in.
Are they trying to tear a page in a book? Give them a pair of plastic scissors. Give them a basket of paper scraps they can cut to their heart’s content. They could save them for future collage work.
Giving your child ‘purposeful work’ will always be be a game-changer !
It’s time consuming, but it works every single time. Find a way for them to help find a work that matches their ability. Believe me it requires a lot of patience, hardwork and time.
Children have strong impulses and often can’t yet fight them—this is really a good thing. So stop asking your child not to express his/ her impulse. These are the same impulses that make a baby work hard to learn to crawl and walk and speak. This is how they build the skills they need.
They very much want and need our guidance. This just means that we should approach their misbehavior with a different perspective. They’re not doing these things to us, they’re just struggling to find an appropriate way to explore the world.
So trust your child & take a minute and think about how you can suggest an alternative way instead of saying “no”, “don’t” or “stop.”
This takes practice but becomes natural with time and is worth the effort. Children are never so calm and focused as & when you find the right match of work to meet their needs.
It would be so much easier if children could just tell us in words exactly what they need, but they can’t. Instead, they tell us with their actions and behavior. We just have to watch, to interpret, and to learn their language. We won’t always get it right, but it will be so much more successful than just saying “NO”.
-Divya Joshi
